Each night that has passed, I have expected to fall asleep immediately after I turn off the lights. But as I gaze upon the ceiling, with my eyes circling like that of the fan above, I cannot help but let anger and frustration consume my mind and thoughts. Like different streams and rivers crossing paths, lending themselves into a vast ocean, these thoughts fade unto one another. I am angry. I am angry at the circumstances. I am angry that I am at a community college, with no opportunity to fall into a well-put niche. I am angry that I have not ___ _____ ____--that I cannot seem to comprehend the fabrics and complexions of relationships. I am angry that I have no freedom in doing what I want to do--that I am wrapped in ropes that scratch my skin if I gently move, and impress marks, or as I perceive it, brands upon my body.
As I turn to my side, with my feet sliding into my thighs, my breaths emerge shallow, with a break in rhythm. Looking into the shadows, casted by a minute light, I grab a pillow beside me, hugging tightly as if to never let go, or as if to really let it all go. I am angry. I am angry. I am angry.
I am pissed. I am every word that is synonmous with angry.
I am done.
I want not pity. I want not empathy. I want not the pats on the shoulder or the whispered, encouraging comments.
I want my freedom. I want my happiness. And damn it, I am going to get it.
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I think a lot of people feel like this, quite often too. I think its important to feel like this so that we can focus on the things we need to change. You're transferring soon, and you will be able to look back at everything. And, you're young.. who needs relationships anyway, those are for 30-something year olds ready to settle down.
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